Tiny Tickle UnRadio

To mark our 42nd transmission, Sydney Sodno the singer-songwriter from Stanwell-Upon-Sea has written a song about his bedroom! He borrowed the tune from The NeverEnding Story, though. (Naughty Sydney.) Anyway, here goes:

Turn around
Look at what you see
In this place
The paper piled in reams
Precious junk is everywhere
Hidden in plain sight
But some of the pages
Tell the outline of a space-time-bending story...

Where to start?
Try a vacuum clean...
Piece by piece
My things become dust-free...
But where can I keep them?
Put them back onto the mounds
For I would rather tell you
Tell the outline of a space-time-bending story...
Story...

“Leave from here”
My parents often say...
“Be a man
“It’s time you earned some pay...”
But it is no secret
I’d rather write of special trams
Inside them many people
Have adventures in a space-time-bending story...
Space-time-bending story...

Gentlemen and ladies: Presenting for your pleasure, a piece of putrid prose preceding a volume of vile verse, it’s Sydney Sodno the singer-songwriter from Stanwell-Upon-Sea!

Today, Caramelldansen in English! (With copious inspiration from Jingle Bella and the creator of this video.)

Verse 1:
Too-doo-too-doo-doo
Airy-airy-airy-air...
We all want to know whether you can dance
Raise both your arms so that we can start
There’s no fuss
Anyone can dance with us (dance with us)

Chorus 1:
So walk your feet around
Ooh-ah ah ah
And shake your hips like this
Ooh-la-la-la
Copy me
Move to the melody

Ooh-ah-ooh-ah ow!

Chorus 2:
Dancing with us
You can clap your hands and
Do as we do
Take two steps to the left you
Listen and learn
Don’t mess up the timing
Now you have it you’re caramel dancing

Hook:
Ooh ooh ooh-ah-ooh-ah
Ooh ooh ooh-ah-ooh-ah ow
Ooh ooh ooh-ah-ooh-ah
Ooh ooh ooh-ah-ooh-ah ow

Verse 2:
A dance revelation across the world
Everybody’s dancing, boy and girl
Come with me
And do the dance again, ready?
Ooh-ah-ooh-ah ow

Repeat Chorus 1:
So walk your feet around
Ooh-ah ah ah
And shake your hips like this
Ooh-la-la-la
Copy me
Move to the melody

So come on!

Repeat Chorus 2:
Dancing with us
You can clap your hands and
Do as we do
Take two steps to the left you
Listen and learn
Don’t mess up the timing
Now you have it you’re caramel dancing

Instrumental Interlude

Repeat Chorus 2:
Dancing with us
You can clap your hands and
Do as we do
Take two steps to the left you
Listen and learn
Don’t mess up the timing
Now you have it you’re caramel dancing

Repeat Hook:
Ooh ooh ooh-ah-ooh-ah
Ooh ooh ooh-ah-ooh-ah ow
Ooh ooh ooh-ah-ooh-ah
Ooh ooh ooh-ah-ooh-ah ow

So come on!

Repeat Chorus 2 twice!
Dancing with us
You can clap your hands and
Do as we do
Take two steps to the left you
Listen and learn
Don’t mess up the timing
Now you have it you’re caramel dancing

Well, as we’ve received more letters than usual lately, we’ve decided to start a programme called ChronoCanine and pretend the letters were sent to it...

Dear ChronoCanine,

I wish to become a victim of credit card unfraud. This is a process by which people who have acquired my card details by dubious means credit my bank account without my knowledge.

The banks would like everyone to believe that such unfraudulent activities are impossible, thanks to FIN & Chip, which uses chips that are hard to clone and even harder to digest. If only it were that simple...

You see, chips were added to credit cards because their predecessor, the moronic stripe, had become so easy to copy but, alas, whatever genius added the chip neglected to remove the stripe! Thus the old security flaw is still exploitable.

Naturally, owing to the similarity between a moronic stripe and ordinary magnetic tape, all one need do to extract personal data from a moronic stripe is slide it slowly past the play-head of an audio-cassette player, which will result in a metallic voice saying, in my case:

“00001001 11111001 00010001 00000010 10011101 01110100 11100011 01011011 11011000 01000001 01010110 11000101 01100011 01010110 10001000 11000000.”

Clearly this kind of unfraud can be prevented by banning credit cards from having moronic stripes and overturning the long-standing tradition of banks using the absolute cheapest (for them) “security” system they can get away with. All it takes is a little love and legislation.

But until government enters the 20th century and grabs the banks by their crossover cables, please feel free to commit unfraud with my credit card. By the way, my Futile Identification Number is 1234, but you could have guessed that.

Yours financially,
Mr Mike McMuffles.

Thank you, Mike. ChronoCanine replies, “Woof!”