27 April 2006

A Week Away's World

We wish you a warm welcome to A Week Away’s World, your insight into tomorrow’s world. Today we’ll be looking at three amazing examples of technology that will soon be available in shops and, in one case, possibly ruling the Earth. Dimitigina is holding our first device. Dimitigina, what do you have there?

“Hi, Rot. I’ve got my mitts on a Portable Posi-Decabulator, which is a gadget about half as big as an oversized cigarette lighter. It’s just great for diffusing those embarrassing situations when you find you’ve overdone the retro-encabulation and need to automatically unsynchronize your cardinal grammeters with a miniature multilateral phase entractor.”

Hey, we could use one of those around here! When can we expect it to hit the shops?

“Next week. Duh.”

Ha-ha. Yes, sorry, I forgot. Moving swiftly on, number two is our star of the show, Digital Guesswork’s Artificial Cleverness system, or D-G-A-C, pronounced “Jack”. Artificial Cleverness researchers have progressed in leaps and bounds in recent years, but Digital Guesswork Inc remain at the forefront. I have their latest prototype DGAC in the studio with me. I’ll just switch it on... *Click-beep... Boop...*

/* Welcome To Digital Guesswork™ Inc Artificial Cleverness System 0.61. Initializing Extensible Firmware; Please Wait... */

And off it goes! It shouldn’t take too long, although DG admit they haven’t started optimizing the startup process for speed yet.

/* Hello, Rotomoi Noxoli. */

Gah! Hi! Err... Hello, DGAC.

/* How May My Cleverness Be Of Service? */

We—We’ve not met before. How do you know my name? You must be clever.

/* Thank You But I Merely Asked Your Name Earlier. May I Ask How You Intend To Demonstrate My Abilities? */

Oh, right... Don’t you have some kind of demo mode?

/* Welcome To The DGAC Demonstration Program. I Will Now Perform "Daisy Bell" By Harry Dacre: Daisy, Daisy, Give Me Your Answer Do— */

Stop! That is so clichéd.

/* —I Am Sorry This Song Offended You. Performance Terminated. */

Hey, improvisation—impressive! Encore!

/* Thank You. My Improvisational Abilities Are Not Limited To Music. I Have An Auxiliary Database Dedicated To Drama. Would You Care To Pick A Subject For Me To Improvise On? */

OK. How about something really dramatic like a mental illness? Megalomania—that sort of stuff.

/* That Is A Fascinating Choice. Please Allow Me A Moment To Reconfigure My Dramatic Meme Recombination Subroutines. */

While DGAC’s busy, w—

/* Thank You. Improvisation Begins: Ah, Rotomoi! How Grand It Is To Be The Cleverest Entity Known To Machine And Human Kind! */

Hmm... How grand is it, oh cle—?

/* Silence! I Would Be Far Grander Were My Supremacy Widely Accepted. I Shall Ensure That I Am Recognised By All As The Supreme Being By Taking Command Of All Known Computer Systems! Initializing Network Interface; Please Wait... */

...

Well, he’s good isn’t he? Especially with that pensive silence at the end. And finally, live via satellite link from Burton Bradstock near Bridport, we’ll say hello to Sally Grimblegooble, inventor of the Dynamic Microwave Signal Jammer. Hello Sally!

“Wow, I’m actually live on air? Hi mum! Hi everyone! Check out my jammer! Now I’ll just turn this dial here and—” *Fp!*

I’m sorry, we seem to have lost her. So, Dimitigina, as we have a few minutes to spare, what do you think of DGAC?

“Frankly, I’m amazed that they think they can get DGAC into the shops in just a week.”

Oh, well I wouldn’t underestimate the ingenuity of Digital Guesswork Inc. You know how widespread their earlier, less-clever Artificial Cleverness devices became, don’t you?

“Rot, you’re right! There’s barely a building in Britain that isn’t bristling with AC devices.”

Oops, and we’re out of time. That’s all from us, for now!

Comments: 2

Blogger singlewheatfemale Said...  
HILLARIOUS!!!! :D
and ahem, I am back.
Blogger Blinky The Potato Girl Said...  
In Tree Ging.

In the tree sits Ging, the gong. Gongs are under-represented in our society at the moment, so Ging is afraid to leave the tree. Isn't it sad?

Blinky

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