23 January 2006

Divining For Divinity

Good day and welcome to Divining For Divinity! Our guest for today is a Mr Yooreeg "Wine" Cellar, a remarkable man known for his frequent overindulgence in "the beverage of the gods" and his intense belief that he possesses supernatural powers. Hello Yooreeg!


Yooreeg will be helping us to find gods in the wild by divining for divinity, an occupation that requires great skill and... patience -- WAKE UP. Can you explain the basics to us, Yooreeg?

Huh? Wanna see me bend a spoon wi' my mind?

Yes-yes, Yooreeg, but not now, OK? Tell us about the Y-shaped stick.

The Y-shaped stick. Well, it's a stick that's... It's shaped like a Y. You hold it like this and--

For all our listeners, Mr Cellar is holding the stick in the air in front of him, with one prong in each hand and the third prong -- the thicker part of the Y -- pointing away from him.

I fought you wanted me to show you.

Sorry, please do carry on.

They ain't payin' me enough to put up wi' this constant interruption... Well, like, anyway. You hold the stick like this an' go fer a walk, see. An' when summink 'appens, right, you've found a god.

So what would our listeners expect to happen when they find a god?

I tole' you! The stick wobbles. Yeah, it moves sudd'ly, like, of its own voh-lishun or summink.

And can our listeners at home try this?

Yeah, 'course they can try, but it takes a lotta practice. ALL YOU PEOPLE AT HOME YOU GOTTA HOLD THE STICK LIKE THIS, OK?

That's nice, Mr Yooreeg, I think they heard you. So anyway, you folks at home can try divining for divinity for yourselves, and please do write in and tell us how you got on. The address to write to is:

Divining For Divinity
The Medical Supplies Cupboard
Uxbridge Station

That's it for now, but we'll be back for another exciting show at some undefined date! Oh, and if you find a god, please take good care of it. Remember: A god is for life; not just for Christmas.

...Can I have my spoon back now?