Tiny Tickle UnRadio

A wise... thing... once remarked, "Ah, anvils at dawn. What could be finer?" This programme is dedicated to anvils -- it's a celebration of all that is anvilly. It begins with a short poem entitled WHY ANVILS R GREAT, written and performed by Sydney Sodno, the singer-songwriter from Stanwell Upon Sea:

Anvils are wondrous entities, often overlooked,
Yet if you drop one on a friend, you'll quickly find you're hooked.
Drop an anvil, drop another, on your father, on your mother,
Drop one whenever, wibbly bleather, who needs sanity?!

Who indeed. Thank you Sydney. So please tell us: What inspired you to write this poem?

Anvils.

Erm... Please elaborate.

They're great.

Do go on.

Well, I first became interested in anvils about four years before I was born. However, it wasn't until I was twelve that my father gave in to pester power and bought me one for my birthday. Oh, I'll never forget that day... I was both amazed and annoyed that he'd managed to keep me waiting so long, since I'm so skilled at pestering people into doing what I want... Heck, if truth be told, I was beginning to doubt he'd ever give me one.

Oh dear...

But nonetheless, the very instant I was given the present, I was sure it was an anvil. Even before I'd unwrapped it!

Intriguing. How could you tell?

Well, I couldn't pick it up, could I?

Ah, of course! So tell me about this pester power. I didn't realise there was a knack to it.

Well, there is. It takes practice, but I've managed to hone it down to a fine art. If you get me a chocolate anvil, I'll tell you more.

Chocolate anvils?

Yes... A nice big white one... From the cafeteria.

Oh, one of those, right. Err... No, look... You can have a bit later, but right now we need to get on with this anvil-interview, OK?

Oh, but I want one now! Get me one! Now! Now!

Alright, alright... Keep your hair on. I'll lug one up all 14 flights of stairs just for you. Don't touch anything while I'm gone, though.

...

Well, now that he's gone I can stop speaking in those irritating italics all the time. Yes, I, Sydney Sodno, the singer-songwriter from Stanwell Upon Sea, am proudly nicking Tiny Tickle UnRadio, live on air. The old "schedule" is going out the window -- there it goes. This sound-proofed door is locked and bolted; I have a sack full of sandwiches and a gadget for tapping rainwater out of the gutter pipes -- Don't expect any of the old programmes for a while!

One last thing: AAAAAAHaAhaahahahahaaahaaaahaaahaaaaaaaaa!!!!

The news: The BBC is about to die. That is to say, its Cult website is about to close.

That’s right, ladies and gentlemen: Broadcasting Basement’s bigger brother, Britain’s British Broadcasting Corporation, is about to close its extremely popular world-famous website for no apparent reason. Please join us and send them an official complaint. Those who request a reply should be aware that the BBC bounces any replies to their reply. If that annoys you, you’d better use another official complaint as your reply.

Some complainers have complained quite unnervingly passionately. Indeed, one particularly frustrated complainer was heard to complain:

“Do not close the Cult site. We are forced to fund you by law. It is your job to keep the Cult site up for us. You have provided no good reasons for taking it down and are acting disgustingly carelessly. Tell the mindless fools who want the Cult site removed that they should resign immediately because they are unfit for any career more intellectually demanding than that of Crash Test Dummy.”

...And is reportedly in the process of writing a longer complaint.

If you wish to complain about the manner with which Tiny Tickle UnRadio has covered this issue, please instead complain to the BBC for causing this shameful issue in the first place. More news at eleven. Eleven what? Nobody knows.