29 April 2005

Likeable Links: The Massive Misinformation Special

In response to the overwhelming listeners' response we didn't receive, the Likeable Links section returns today with links to Uncyclopedia.org -- your free source of useless misinformation -- and to one of the largest electronic games in the world -- which we like to call Titanic Tetris. A conceptual cousin of this particular incarnation of Tetris is the infamous Nintendo Game Man.

Also on the subject of useless misinformation, we'll tell you about the P-SUPE project, which doesn't exist. Many entertainment systems are designed to use large screens, but with small, portable electronics in mind. The P-SUPE (Portable Screen; UnPortable Electronics) project breaks free from this trend. A P-SUPE screen is so small that later prototypes have been incorporated into wristwatches -- often replacing the date window or the number 12 -- whilst the control circuitry consists of 1650s-style thermionic vacuum valves and takes up the lower 18 floors of P-SUPE Headquaters, which was built on a disused oil rig in the North Sea in the early 1700s.

Dr Stacie Dunkford II, mother of P-SUPE, will have a revolutionary idea in 2547 whilst drinking Lynn's Drink. She will then traveled (time travel grammar is difficult) back in time to 1704 and left detailed instructions for her ancestors to begin making P-SUPE. And the rest is history. Tune in next time for something completely similar.

24 April 2005

Commercial Break 3

What? You think we're broadcasting adverts more frequently? No! It's an illusion caused by the acceleration of time as people age.

Artistic Licenses are now available! From 1st of Nocturnalember 2132 onwards, it will be illegal to call yourself an artist without a valid Artistic License. The Bureaux d'Artistic Licenses recommends that you get your license as soon as possible in order to maximise their profits.


Yellow Smellow for sale! Nobody knows what it is, so it's going for rock-bottom prices! Our prices are so low you'll think we're ex-employees of Carpet Marpet Mania Warehouse! Call us now on 08745, 12 Sandstone Avenue, 85 84 83, Uxbridge UB40 1D10T. Calls are charged at the intergalactic rate. This may completely remove your statutory rights.

16 April 2005

Peculiar Poetry Point

One of Tiny Tickle UnRadio's frequent listeners, who also happens to be a chicken, wrote us a poem:

A chicken once laughed,
Down a ventilation shaft,
And caught its crest in the fan.
The noise was appalling,
Like a lawnmower stalling,
So the chicken leapt up and ran.

The other birds laughed
And said, "You're awfully daft,
You've lost your headgear to a fan!"
And the chicken replied,
"Hey, I nearly died!
Be quiet or I'll get you -- I can!"

Said the farmer, "'Ello, 'Ello,
I can help, so be mellow,
There's a first aid box by the wood."
So the farmer walked off,
With a sniff and a cough,
Hiding a tear as best as he could.

When the farmer returned,
He said, "I hope you have learned
Not to mess with a machine of mine,"
As he performed first aid,
He added, "And when you write really bad autobiographic poems,
Please remember not to put too many words on, or rhyme too many words with, the same line."

We think that this poem is absolutely awful and are open to suggestions for improvements.

09 April 2005

Commercial Break 2

We’re just about to break for our second short burst of garishly awful advertising, so get ready retune... No, wait! I meant it as a joke! Oh great. Now I’ve been fired. Well, guys, you run the tape, I’ll clear my desk. Before I go, I’d like to say it was nice to—hey, let go of my mic plu— *click*

Lynn’s Drink!
It’s the sort of drink you drink with a mug!
It’s the sort of drink you drink when you’re drunk!
It’s the sort of drink you drink with a monk! Uh-huh!
It’s the sort of drink you drink with a thug!

Try new Lynn’s Drink. It’s delicious, it’s versatile, and it’s fortified with Vitamin C#, which has been scientifically proven to improve musical abilities and toenail growth! Available in great-tasting Lemon & Pine, Sultan Vinegar, and Cheese ’n’ Aviation Fuel.

02 April 2005

Manic Musings: The Spurious Spellings Special

Welcome to our super special Spurious Spellings Special service.

Sir Sparkle II wishes to know why Choir isn't spelt Chior or even Quire. Meanwhile, his friend, Mr Marcus Megalomaniacus, thinks that Awkward should be spelt Orquod. If you can help them with their spurious spellings, please don't hesitate to write us a message.

And, on a less spellingy but equally spurious note, when are SouthWest Trains going to get their act together? A Broadcasting Basement employee was riding the train to work recently, when the train clanked and crunched over its usual river bridge. This bridge is many miles from the coast. Despite this, at the very instant the train was over the water, the computerised announcer blurted out, "Change here for ferries to Isle of Wight." Duly concerned, our correspondent peered out of the windows but failed to spot anyone taking the advice and diving off the moving train.

Well, that's all for now. Thanks for listen-- This news just in: Ellen DeGeneres has been quoted as saying, "My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-three today and we don't know where the hell she is." If you know here Ellen DeGeneres' grandmother is, please contact her. That's all for now.