Tiny Tickle UnRadio

Picture the scene: Late one night, somewhere in the midst of the University of Anvilania, a gangly, socially-awkward teenager squints at a computer screen. He sighs inwardly, as he finds that yet another shoulder of spiced pork has deposited itself amongst his electronic mailgrams, then he viciously prods his keyboard’s “Start Voice Conference With Tiny Tickle UnRadio” button...

Well, ladies and gents, that scene is happening now! Yes, any second now we should be—

“Hello?”

Ah, hello there Anvil Boy. It’s good to—

“Mark!”

Well, yes, err, hello Mark. It’s good to have you back on the show, even if you’re not physically in the studio this time! Let’s get to the interview, shall we? So, how are you these days?

“You and your vague questions... How am I? Well, I’m sort-of different—but still the same. Still me, you know?”

Uh-huh?

“And, erm. I dunno. Ask another question.”

OK... What’s the University like?

“Well, the University is not what I’d expected really. Now that I’ve become used to the differences, like being away from home, it feels rather a lot like any other educational institution I’ve studied at.”

Well done, Mark, you’ve finally settled in? That’s so good! You didn’t seem very sure about yourself last time.

“No, well I’m still not very sure of myself. Feeling like I’m back at school isn’t necessarily a good thing, you know. I mean I didn’t like school that much. I just went because I thought I had to.”

Oh dear.

“But all this ‘Higher Education’ stuff is optional—and expensive—which makes me wonder why I’m still on the course at the end of my second term.”

You never were a quick decision-maker. What is wrong with the University anyway?

“It’s... I... I don’t know. There are lots of little annoyances with ill-maintained anvils, stuffy bureaucracy and things but then again, for me, there are always lots of little annoyances, so that can’t be what’s bothering me, can it? I can’t quite pin it down.”

Maybe it’s all in your head. You know what they say, Mark? “It’s all in the mind!”

“Ha-ha, yup!”

Seriously, though. You should give it a thought.

“Huh? Look, I can’t prove you wrong on that one but it’s still gotta be wrong. I mean, are you suggesting that all I need do is change my attitude and suddenly everything’ll be fine?”

Not that everything’ll be fine; just that you won’t mind when it isn’t.

In other words you think I should give up all my ties with reality and become ‘one with the Universe’. Well that’s a load of garbage.

I think it is all in your head, Mark.

“Oh? What makes you so sure?”

Tell me who you think I am.

“What kind of a useless question is that? You’re that guy who interviewed me last time; Sydney Sodno, who el—?”

Sydney Sodno, the singer-songwriter from Stanwell Upon Sea, was sacked from this station, escaped justice and is studying as a Solicitor Sidetracking Specialist until 16th September 2006!

“So who the hell are you?”

You tell me! My very existence is defined by that noggin of yours!

“You’re in my head? Huh. Great. I am losing my mind. Although now that I think about it, I reckon I must’ve been slowly-but-surely losing it for quite some time now... But you know what? If that carries on, eventually I won’t mind at all...!”